Frank Thomas Credits Recent Power Surge To Steroids

September 28, 2006 | Onion Sports

OAKLAND, CA—After two seasons marked by nagging injuries and sub-par home-run totals, Frank Thomas credited his career rejuvenation and rediscovered power stroke "strictly to my weekly cycle of injecting myself with anabolic steroids." "People ask me all the time what's my secret, how have I stayed in such good shape and been so consistent this season, and I tell them the same thing every time: It's the steroids," said Thomas, who has 19 homers and a league-high 62 RBI since the All-Star break. "I give the steroids all the credit. It's not even just the muscle and the power, but the confidence I have when I step up to the plate knowing I have a total competitive advantage. I just wish I knew about this miracle drug earlier in my career." MLB officials later announced that, should Thomas test positive for steroid use in a random drug test before season's end, his punishment would be significantly reduced for being open and honest about it beforehand.

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Trevor Hoffman: 'I Want To Be A Hall Of Famer Right Now'

September 28, 2006 | Onion Sports

SAN DIEGO—Moments after recording his 479th career save Sunday, placing him ahead of Lee Smith as baseball's all-time saves leader, Padres closer Trevor Hoffman demanded that Major League Baseball immediately induct him into the Hall of Fame. "I've worked my ass off for 14 years to get to this point, and now you're telling me I have to retire and then wait five more years before I get the chance to be recognized for my accomplishments?" Hoffman said. "Bullshit, gimme my plaque." After the game, Hoffman wished his teammates good luck in the playoffs, and informed bystanders that he was "heading out to Cooperstown tonight if anyone wants to hear my speech."