Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Dane Cook is Not Amusing

I am fairly certain a few years ago, this actually happened:

   So, you're telling me I'll be a top selling, wildly popular comedian?
   And I'll get to do whatever I want in the entertainment industry?
   If that's what you want.
   Ok, so let's say I want to make a comedy CD or a DVD. Would it be popular with the college kids?
   See, but that doesn't make sense because I'm not funny. I mean, not even a little bit.
   It doesn't matter. Just sign the contract and it will be done.
   So, I'm a big Red Sox fan.. could I maybe do, like Red Sox commercials?
   You could do commercials for all of Major League Baseball if you want.
   No way. Really? I mentioned I'm not really funny, didn't I?
   Yes and I told you don't worry about it, I'll take care of that. Anything else?
   Oh... yeah. I want to make out with beautful women.
   Like, women waaaay out of my league. Like.. Jessica Alba! And... Jessica Simpson! And... Jessica... Fletcher!
   I can make that happen. I'll even make it so not only will you make out with Jessica Alba and Jessica Simpson, but it will be filmed and the whole world will see that you, Dane Jeffrey Cook, performed such a feat with your costars. That third one is a fictional character and I'm fairly certain you were most likely thinking of someone else anyway. Now, sign.
   And it only costs me my soul? Ok man, you got a deal! *signs contract*
   Very well. I'll be back for you in a few years. Enjoy your life in the meantime. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to check up on another client who wanted to be a prop comedian and a body builder even though he also was not funny. *vanishes in a puff of smoke and fire*


   *appears in a puff of smoke and fire*
   Dude, you're here! Ok, so now what I want is for you to make my skin all blotchy and make it look like I'm wearing eyeliner at all times.
   Anything for you, champ.

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posted by Mr. Faded Glory @ 6:33 PM   4 comments


At 10/03/2007 8:45 PM, Blogger June said...

it super irritates me that carrot top is famous. WHY? WHY, EXACTLY? he couldn't be less funny, he's an asshole, and, i mean, it's not as if he was sooper attractive before all the plastic surgery. i don't understand.

At 10/03/2007 8:46 PM, Blogger June said...

oh and even dane cook's VOICE is annoying. everything about him is maximally annoying. his hair, his smirkiness, his unjustified cockiness. URGH

At 10/04/2007 12:37 PM, Anonymous jon said...


At 11/06/2009 9:45 AM, Blogger The Kid In The Front Row said...

But how did the devil get into everyone else to make them buy into his 'comedy'? That's the only pitful-- weirdly though, the devil thing seems like the only possible explanation, there isn't a rational one!


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