Tuesday, August 21, 2007

He's Got a Golden Ticket!

We've all heard Joe Morgan brag about his "Golden Ticket" - the lifetime pass that lets him into any MLB game for free. From what I've been able to find out, it's actually a lot more common than Mr. Morgan tends to let on. From what I can tell, any major leaguer with 10 years of service or more gets one. No special ceremony. No HOF induction required. Morgan's constant references to said ticket, however, seem to make it appear a bit more rare, which is kind of odd since in his frequent chats he constantly refers to not having seen enough of any team to form any sort of opinion about anything.

Here, for example, is a picture of one Golden Ticket, presented to Charley Root:

Here's another, more recent one, presented to journeyman middle infielder Len Randle, who attended a Padres-Rockies contest with Dave Winfield last week, using said ticket for entry:

My guess is though, in Mr. Morgan's slipping memory, things went a bit like this (with apologies to lupe for aping her style):

I wanted to be the first to find a Golden Ticket, Daddy.
I know, Angel. We're doing the best we can. I've got every girl on the bleeding staff hunting for you.
All right, where is it? Why haven't they found it?
Veruca, sweetheart, I'm not a magician! Give me time!
I want it now! What's the matter with those twerps down there?
For five days now the entire flipping factory's been on the job. They haven't shelled a peanut in there since Monday. They've been shelling flaming chocolate bars
from dawn to dusk.
Make 'em work nights.
(shouting down the stairs) Come along, come along, you girls, put a jack in it or you'll be out on your ears, every one of you! And listen to this: the first girl that
finds a Golden Ticket gets a one pound bonus in her pay bucket! What do you think of that?
(The workers scream and begin unwrapping more furiously.)
They're not even trying. They don't want to find it. They're jealous of me.
Sweetheart, I can't push 'em no harder. Nineteen thousand bars an hour they're shelling. Seven hundred and sixty thousand they've done so far.
You promised, Daddy! You promised I'd have it the very first day!
You're going to very unpopular around here, Henry, if you don't deliver soon.
It breaks my heart, Henrietta. I hate to see her unhappy.
I won't talk to you ever again. You're a rotten, mean father. You never give me anything I want. And I won't go to school 'til I have it.
Veruca, sweetheart, angel . . . Now. There are only four tickets left in the whole world, and the whole ruddy world's hunting for them. What can I do?
I got it! I got it, Mr. Salt, here it is!
It's about time too! I want it!
(Slugworth leads the worker up the stairs to Veruca.)
Give me that ticket! It's mine! I've found a Golden Ticket!
(Slugworth whispers in Veruca's ear.)
Thank God for that.
Aye. Happiness is what counts with children.
Happiness and harmony.


Look, everyone, look, I've got it! The fifth Golden Ticket is mine!
You're pulling our legs, Charlie! There aren't any more Golden Tickets.
No, Grandpa, the last one was a fake; it said so in the papers. I found some money in the street, and I bought a Wonka Bar, and the ticket was in it.
Look at it, Grandpa, see for yourself!
"Greetings to you, the lucky finder of this Golden Ticket, from Mr. Willy Wonka. Present this ticket at the factory gates at ten o'clock in the morning of the first
day of October, and do not be late. You may bring with you one member of your own family but no one else. In your wildest dreams you could not imagine the marvelous surprises that await you!" Charlie, you've done it!
Grandpa? It says I can take somebody with me. I wish you could go.
(struggling to get out of bed) Charlie. (Charlie helps him.) Ah, that's good. Now help me up. (He stands, then falls back on the bed) Oh!
Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine, Charlie. (He stands up and stumbles.)
Look at me! Look at me! Up and about . . . I haven't done this in twenty years.


Then again, Morgan's gotten more gold than he deserves:

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posted by Mr. Faded Glory @ 10:13 AM   2 comments


At 8/21/2007 8:40 PM, Blogger June said...

his post playing "career" is entirely fatuous

At 8/23/2007 6:15 PM, Anonymous dave said...

lol.... i never noticed how much Bud Selig looks like Slugworth until i saw this


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