He's Got a Golden Ticket!
We've all heard Joe Morgan brag about his "Golden Ticket" - the lifetime pass that lets him into any MLB game for free. From what I've been able to find out, it's actually a lot more common than Mr. Morgan tends to let on. From what I can tell, any major leaguer with 10 years of service or more gets one. No special ceremony. No HOF induction required. Morgan's constant references to said ticket, however, seem to make it appear a bit more rare, which is kind of odd since in his frequent chats he constantly refers to not having seen enough of any team to form any sort of opinion about anything.
Here, for example, is a picture of one Golden Ticket, presented to Charley Root:

Here's another, more recent one, presented to journeyman middle infielder
Len Randle, who attended a Padres-Rockies contest with Dave Winfield last week, using said ticket for entry:

My guess is though, in Mr. Morgan's slipping memory, things went a bit like this (with apologies to
lupe for aping her style):

I wanted to be the first to find a Golden Ticket, Daddy.

I know, Angel. We're doing the best we can. I've got every girl on the bleeding staff hunting for you.

All right, where is it? Why haven't they found it?

Veruca, sweetheart, I'm not a magician! Give me time!

I want it now! What's the matter with those twerps down there?

For five days now the entire flipping factory's been on the job. They haven't shelled a peanut in there since Monday. They've been shelling flaming chocolate bars
from dawn to dusk.

Make 'em work nights.

(shouting down the stairs) Come along, come along, you girls, put a jack in it or you'll be out on your ears, every one of you! And listen to this: the first girl that
finds a Golden Ticket gets a one pound bonus in her pay bucket! What do you think of that?
(The workers scream and begin unwrapping more furiously.)

They're not even trying. They don't want to find it. They're jealous of me.

Sweetheart, I can't push 'em no harder. Nineteen thousand bars an hour they're shelling. Seven hundred and sixty thousand they've done so far.

You promised, Daddy! You promised I'd have it the very first day!

You're going to very unpopular around here, Henry, if you don't deliver soon.

It breaks my heart, Henrietta. I hate to see her unhappy.

I won't talk to you ever again. You're a rotten, mean father. You never give me anything I want. And I won't go to school 'til I have it.

Veruca, sweetheart, angel . . . Now. There are only four tickets left in the whole world, and the whole ruddy world's hunting for them. What can I do?

I got it! I got it, Mr. Salt, here it is!

It's about time too! I want it!

(Slugworth leads the worker up the stairs to Veruca.)

Give me that ticket! It's mine! I've found a Golden Ticket!

(Slugworth whispers in Veruca's ear.)

Thank God for that.

Aye. Happiness is what counts with children.
Happiness and harmony.
---------

Look, everyone, look, I've got it! The fifth Golden Ticket is mine!

You're pulling our legs, Charlie! There aren't any more Golden Tickets.

No, Grandpa, the last one was a fake; it said so in the papers. I found some money in the street, and I bought a Wonka Bar, and the ticket was in it.

Look at it, Grandpa, see for yourself!

"Greetings to you, the lucky finder of this Golden Ticket, from Mr. Willy Wonka. Present this ticket at the factory gates at ten o'clock in the morning of the first
day of October, and do not be late. You may bring with you one member of your own family but no one else. In your wildest dreams you could not imagine the marvelous surprises that await you!" Charlie, you've done it!

Grandpa? It says I can take somebody with me. I wish you could go.

(struggling to get out of bed) Charlie. (Charlie helps him.) Ah, that's good. Now help me up. (He stands, then falls back on the bed) Oh!

Are you okay?

Oh yeah, I'm fine, Charlie. (He stands up and stumbles.)

Look at me! Look at me! Up and about . . . I haven't done this in twenty years.

Grandpa!
------
Then again, Morgan's gotten more gold than he deserves:

Labels: bud selig, dave winfield, gammo, golden tickets, joe morgan, john kruk, jon miller, lenny randle, screwing the blouse man
posted by Mr. Faded Glory @ 10:13 AM
2
comments


Sometimes I Actually Agree With Jim Caple
.... but rarely. Today is one of those rare circumstances. The first part of the article on Alex Rodriguez is Caple once again attempting to be funny and failing, but it gets much better about halfway down, when he gets serious:
I mean, what has he ever done that is so bad? Despite his best efforts at living a clean, responsible life, he has a worse reputation than Terrell Owens. I know I've mocked him as much as anyone, but now I mostly feel sorry for him. He's one of the best players in the game, and people act as if he's Bubba Crosby. Enough is enough. Forget the soap operas that stem from his silly insecurities -- any day now I expect him to shave his head -- I'm going to root for A-Rod this season. No more cheap shots, no more easy punch lines … from now on, I'm his No. 1 fan. Not quite like Kathy Bates in "Misery," but I'm pulling for him all the way.
And here's why you should root for him as well.
Root for A-Rod because years from now, you'll be bragging to your children and grandchildren that you saw one of the greatest players who ever took the field. You'll be able to say, "I saw Rodriguez hit .358 with 36 home runs and 123 RBIs in his first full season. I saw him hit 409 home runs by the time he was 30. I saw him win an MVP at shortstop for a last-place team one year and then win an MVP at third base for a first-place team two years later. I saw him hit .315 with four home runs in three American League Championship Series. I saw him play in 10 All-Star games his first 11 seasons."
It may not sound as sweet as telling your kids, "I saw A-Rod hit a World Series-winning home run in the bottom of the 10th inning," but it certainly sounds much better than telling them, "I threw fake dollar bills and garbage at A-Rod because he signed a contract that I would have killed to get."
Root for A-Rod because if you don't like Barry Bonds challenging Hank Aaron's home run record, just wait -- Rodriguez might wind up passing Bonds in a decade. A-Rod hasn't testified before a grand jury that he "unknowingly" took steroids, but he has hit 464 home runs, which is a total Aaron didn't reach until he was two years older than Rodriguez is now and a total Bonds didn't reach until he was almost four years older. Trust me, if A-Rod does set the home run record, you'll not only be rooting for him then, the commissioner will show up to see it.
Root for A-Rod because despite all you hear about him choking in the playoffs (and yes, he has stunk the past two Octobers) he still has nearly as high a career postseason OPS as Jeter (.847 to .863). A-Rod also hit for a higher average and produced more runs in the 2004 postseason than Jeter did. In fact, Jeter has played in 24 postseason series and hit .233 or less in nearly one-third of them. That's not to knock Jeter, but only to point out that if you play enough postseason series, you're going to shine in some and stink in others. Give A-Rod another chance this fall, and he will rise to the occasion. Especially if he feels as if fans would rather see him succeed than bitch about his failures.
Root for A-Rod because, other than saying stupid things, he never does anything to embarrass his team or the game. He never gives less than his best. He never approaches the game with anything less than complete professionalism. So what if he can't help himself from making ridiculous statements in an attempt to please everyone at all times? There are far worse crimes for an athlete -- and we complain about them all the time.
But mostly, root for A-Rod because if he has another MVP season and shines in October, all those obnoxious Yankees fans will have to shut up and quit blaming him for everything that ever goes wrong with a team that has needed better
pitching ever since it let Roger Clemens and Andy Pettitte go.
Caple is still an unrelenting Red Sox schill, but I don't know if I've ever agreed with something written on ESPN more than I agree with what is written above.
Maybe the fact that A-Rod is no longer playing the "say the right things and pretend everything is hunky-dory" game with the whole Jeter situation, some in the media who have been bashing him for years are finally starting to ask themselves "why?"
I mean not Peter Gammons, who had to pull a story from 2006 out of his metaphoric ass in order to try and bash A-Rod:
Team USA players like to tell the story of Francoeur confronting Alex Rodriguez during the WBC for trashing a clubhouse kid who brought him the wrong sandwich.
(You would think that if Team USA players "like to tell a story" that the story would have been told before spring training 2007, wouldn't you?)
So perhaps Gammons is giving a bit of retribution on behalf of his pal Jetes, but maybe some sports writers are coming around. Ok, Caple, I'm going to give you a chance, but I'll be watching you.Labels: a-rod, douchebag, gammo, jim caple, wbc
posted by Mr. Faded Glory @ 6:17 PM
5
comments

